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[03 Aug 2007|10:39pm]
i've decided not to care and not to try. everytime i do, things get messy. no more relying on ice skating to make things okay (wait, im not at camp so drinking), no more angsting from the sidelines, and no more ... i dont know quite how to describe it... pretending? that doesnt seem quite right, but whatever. its time for a few truths.

truth: i like a boy. a lot. one boy. there are others that i think are attractive, but i only like one.

truth: i avoid said boy like the plague and i dont know why.

lie: my livejournal background as holding any significance whatsoever. i just dont care enough to change it now that i know that it was never really accurate as anything other than what rachel liked.

truth: im scared shitless to be moving away and i dont know what to do about it.
My Banana

i hate you. [16 Jul 2007|09:44pm]
[ mood | pissed as all fuck ]

fuck you! leave me alone!

a great song, but also a very accurate description at the moment.

My Banana

i miss the days of delilah [04 Jul 2007|11:02pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

i had a kickback/thing last night. i got pretty drunk, and now i'm really wishing i hadnt talked as much as i did or that the people i said that shit to realized that i wasnt just spouting shit and i actually meant it.

i hate rationalizing.

My Banana

here's to the tears you knew you'd cry. [30 Jun 2007|05:47pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

I'm vaguely wondering why i'm continuing to fill this out. maybe its out of a lack of having anyother place to sort things out mentally but oh well. i dont think anyone really reads this anymore since most of my friends have either forgotten about their livejournals or have deleted them so i can be as honest as i want to be. the only person who might read this, and possibly even know what i'm talking about, well, they know more about me already than anyone else, so what could it hurt.

i went to a party the other night. there was this guy there that really really scared me. he wasnt apart of the party but he was still there. i dont know what would have happened if another guy, one of my friends, wasnt there. he tried to block me from going up with his bike the second time. now that its not as freaky any more, its kind of funny to think that we went up the stairs to avoid him since he was by the elevator, but he had started going down the stairs so we saw him anyway. if my friend hadnt been there, i would have completely broken down. i almost did anyway. i generally dont break in public, especially not when i had been having an amazing time before that.

i couldnt sleep over there then. especially not when the guys left (tyler, randall, bryan stayed later but left when the girls were getting ready to sleep), even though the man that scared me had passed out earlier. so when my ride wanted to leave early i was more than happy to go. i kept having nightmares about it though at ericas house. i dont think i have ever been so scared in  my life, and the only person who really knows it was on acid and probably wont remember what a big deal it was for me that he was there. even the person i could normally count on wasnt there. not that i blame him, but still...

i dont know. maybe im not making sense or making this a bigger deal than it was. maybe all that matters is that i thought it was a big deal. im not making sense. even to myself. maybe ill look at this again later and be able to pin it down exactly, but not now. i'll i know is that im really happy certain people were there.

My Banana

[25 Jun 2007|01:06am]
[ mood | awake ]

camp starts later today...and i cant sleep...shit.

my cousins and i decided to have a kickback today. dont know when it going tp be and im not sure if i wanna invite camp friends or school friends. or mix the 2. hmm...that idea has promise. wow...i really should be sleeping right now. hey. its ashley's birthday today. and chris's. and annie s.'s.

My Banana

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